shadowhive | Entries tagged with depression thoughts

The last few days have largely been uneventful. I’ve been reading the visual dictionary, which I’ve just finished today, watching films (mostly whatever has been on bbc1) and at night gaming a bit (usually a day on Stardew and Elder Scrolls Online, I’ve almost finished the main quest of Elsweyr at last on it).

I’ve been slowly ficcing and I hope to get it done today after lunch. Hopefully creativity will return fully soon.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to Birmingham to look for stuff in the sales, not that I expect there to be much. We’ll be hitting up the forbidden planets first in case they have Star Wars stuff cheap or TUA funkos, (or the comics I’m looking for). Other than that I wanna check out the new Lego store and look to see what the entertainer, the works and Disney store have. At the same time I’m kinda... not looking forward to it? A part of me just wants to stay nice and cozy at home without having to deal with people.

The main annoyance of the last few days though is that depression has been back. Mostly at night (the worst being when I went to bed and couldn’t sleep, still being awake after 5am). It’s annoying to have the sadness fall over me like a shroud repeatedly. It comes and goes and I dunno why. It’s annoying, feeling this apathy and sadness, especially when it keeps me up at night.

Hopefully it goes away soon but... ehh

Edit: I did a post here

Let's Stick Together: a friending meme for a new year. Image is two giraffes, one leaning almost at right angles to put their head on their friend's neck.

I’m gonna go through the comments at some point to find new peeps to add.

I’m doing snowflake again next month since it was fun this year

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade

So before I get into the post proper I’m putting up a fic rec.

So the other night I was on ao3, just to check the mcr tag if there was any good fic that wasn’t Frank/Gerard (because it’s so overdone and I need to be in the right mindset). I found a fic tagged Gerard/Mikey and the tags sounded interesting so I read it, though really there’s no Waycest content. However, I love the fic, it’s very creepy and atmospheric and gives me Magnus archives vibes. So here it is

Knitting (2400 words) by dishonestdreams
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: My Chemical Romance
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Gerard Way/Mikey Way
Additional Tags: Ambiguous Relationships, Horror, Monsters, Lovecraftian, Possible Character Death, Dark, Blood, References to Depression
Series: Part 11 of Alphabet Challenge, Part 3 of 100 Fandoms
Summary:

Mikey doesn't want to go down to the basement

Since last post I’ve not done much. Fic writing is still at a crawl which is annoying. I did finish the season 10 special features of Who though. It was nice to watch Sarah Jane Adventures after so long and it’s reminded me how much I miss it. It was such a great, fun series.

Watching the Who collections though makes me wonder if they’d do something like it for new Who. Personally I’d love if they did stuff like behind the sofa for the new series, though I doubt they would anytime soon. But who knows.

Book reading wise I’ve been slow. I’ve read some of the Whoniverse book love sent and I’m almost done with chapter 2 but I’ve not even started the second story of pirates price or the other tie fighter comics. Oops. I really want to finish pirates price before Black Spire comes. Although I did finally read Vader End Of Games which was pretty good (though I shoulda read Rebel Jail beforehand).

Yesterday Pokemon masters launched and its pretty good so far. I’m still near the start but I’ll go on it again soon.

The past few nights have been annoying though. Depression has been creeping in lately, falling over me like a shroud last night. It past after awhile but I worry it’s a sign for a big downswing, which would be annoying.

Last night I watched Blair Witch and I lost track towards the start cause my mood was so unsettled by them. I did end up watching the whole thing, in preparation for the Game coming to game pass today, though I suspect I’ll end up giving up pretty early on. I’ve been so bad at horror games lately (and the films on Shudder). As for the film, I get baffled by people in horror films. Do they not have horror films in their universe? Or, you know, any form of common sense. Don’t go into the creepy woods people go missing in. Don’t go into the creepy abandoned house. That’s like... lesson 1 and 2 of what not to do in a horror film.

After that I watched an ep of Archer before sleeping.

This morning I put on another Magnus Archives and it feels like everything is coming to a head. I know season 1 is almost over and I can tell it is. The worms made an appearance at the end, as well as those delivery guys bringing Jonathan a... thing. I wanna know what that thing is.

We went to get stamps for the library when we walked Naryu and I ended up getting my glasses fixed which I’ve needed for awhile (because of Naryu and her nomming of them). I also picked up the Doctor who magazine from co-op which I’m gonna read some of soon.

Tonight might try and write, but will definitely be watching stuff since Friday is the day when there’s stuff from 7-11. Hopefully depression won’t return.

Current Mood: nerdy
Current Music: Curious Creatures

So yesterday seemed to slowly get better. I did some reading, I napped and, at night, I watched Shada. There was also a Pokemon trailer which made me settle on getting Shield first.

And then, I dunno, after I showered the sadness returned like a wave. I ended up laying over the sofa, in the darkness and with nothing on, staring at the ceiling.

I only moved when mum came down (around 3, woken for unknown reasons) and then I shifted to bed. I managed to sleep after awhile, but the same feeling was there when I woke. I just stayed in bed, not really doing anything (even listening to music) until it was time to go.

It’s followed me through the day, like a cloud, I read some of my book, but just ended up napping. I want it to go away. I hate this feeling, especially since it came, unbidden and is now just... here. I want it to go away but, as always, I don’t know how. (And I wish I’d explained this feeling at the assessment, I knew I had on the paperwork, but didn’t articulate it in words.)

I just feel so... bleh.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Tv

So after the post yesterday there was a slight change from what I was going to do. I ended up watching The Emperor’s New Groove since it was on and that’s always fun to watch. The I watched two Milo Murphy’s alas eps (one was Halloween which was a+) before the Red Bull soapbox race, which is usually fun but I just got so tired during it.

I tried to write yesterday too, but I dunno. Nothing seemed to come out right. I’m not sure if it’s because I was tired of cause I gasped a few days since the first part which I was pleased with. I dunno. Hopefully I’ll be able to work on it soon.

I did watch The Macra Terror last night and it was pretty good. The songs during it were so annoying though, but it did feel that the episode benefited from being done in animated form. In the original transmission they only had one macra prop so had to get creative with editing. With animation, there was no such limitation so they were able to show multiple macra on screen at numerous points. Plus, it has Jamie and he’s such a cutie. I’m gonna try and watch Shada tonight.

Seeing it made me look up the classic Who boxsets that they’ve done recently. They’ve bought out full seasons on blu Ray’s which seems like a good idea. Bar a few exceptions (key to time and trial of a time lord) I’ve not watched a full season of the classic series in order. (The DVD’s came out individually and in a pretty random order so I’ve watched them all over the place.) They’ve done three so far, two fourth doctor and one fifth and there’s two more coming (a third and sixth). The problem is, some fool decided to make them limited edition, so despite them coming out just a few months ago, they are both hard to find and expensive (one of the fourth doctor ones is in triple figures!). It’s absurd and whoever decided to do this deserves a slap.

I’m watching a few on eBay and might get if the prices stay reasonable (and I might preorder those two off zoom so I get them before the price shoots up) but still, it’s bloody annoying!

After watching Macra I did a few days on stardew, getting down to level 20 in the mine and having a few crops to harvest. When I go on it next I’m gonna have to try and upgrade tools and get stone/wood to get a barn and stuff.

I got really tired again though, so I ended up going to bed annoyingly early again.

This morning, I woke up to random sadness. I dunno why, maybe I had a bad dream that I can’t remember or maybe it’s just depression being funny. Either way I ended up just lying in bed all morning, not doing anything until Naryu came for a snuggle.

I’ve walked Naryu but my mood is still a bit iffy. I guess we’ll see.

I’m gonna try and read some soon while mum’s out and then... I dunno. Maybe I’ll see about writing while watching stuff. I dunno.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Tv

So the last few days have been all over the place.

Wednesday was the most part ok. I had to be downstairs early since mum was waiting on something to come. Of course it didn’t come until about 5 at night, which was a bit annoying. However the crystals I’d ordered did come which was good (though I’m kinda not sure which is which since I got a few blue ones).

I meant to read some more of Queen’s Shadow, but I couldn’t focus what with having to keep my eye out for a delivery.

I’d played Call Of Cthulhu a few nights but I’d got frustrated with it. First due to a running section which must have took me an hour to do and then an asylum but which was stealthy and I just failed at it. So I’ve not done anything to it the last few days.

Wednesday night, I got tired too so I went to sleep pretty early... then woke up in the middle of the night. The problem with that was I couldn’t get back to sleep at all. It soon became apparent that the reason why was my mood had plummeted. So yesterday I was low, feeling apathetic and just... depressed. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a downswing like this, but really, I can’t say I’m surprised.

Between de-stressing after the exam, followed by re-stressing due to the health assessment, the usual overthinking thoughts and the anniversary of both losing Danny and nan... it was probably inevitable.

So yesterday was a blah day. Sleeping in the afternoon helped a little (as did having my love around) but my mood still stayed pretty low. I ended up watching Lucifer some more last night which did help some but I just got tired.

This morning was equally tiring and mum had a frustrating call from my dumb uncle reminding her that today was the anniversary of nan dying. What does he care? He was never around for her at the end when we needed him most. Emily, who lived half way across the country saw her more in a year than he did!

It’s sad that I can’t really remember her much when she was healthy. All I can think when I remember her was when she was in that bed, lying them with no recollection of anyone or anything. It’s the cruelest thing, watching someone you love become a shell of what they are. I’m glad she went when she did, though part of me wishes she had gone sooner. She didn’t deserve to become like that. No one does.

After leaving flowers at the cemetery, we went to the library to the cake sale. I had a go on the tombola then got some cakes before popping in the co-op down there (and getting some more stuff from there) and now I’m home.

I dunno what I’m gonna do today. Maybe I will end up reading some, or maybe I’ll just bundle up. I dunno.

Current Mood: exanimate
Current Music: Tv

So last month I had a stupid health assessment form come through. I hate those things, they’re always overly long and want to know everything. Worse, they usually mean an appointment at a health assessment Center which is usually even more stressful. I told them outright that I’d rather not have one, but if I did, I’d need warning and time to prepare myself.

So just as I was about to head out the door today what happens? I have a call from them, trying to get me into an appointment... for next week. Next Tuesday in fact. I almost agreed to it, but thought, no. I’d told them on the form that I needed advance warning, that such things being sprung on me like that would be bad for my anxiety so I reminded them that.

They backed down and send they’d send something in the mail... but I know it’s going to give me low level stress now until it’s over.

The previous appointments have been stressful as fuck. The build up makes me restless and then the thing itself sucks. I feel I either overshare on some parts or not enough on others. The last one was last year so I didn’t feel I’d get one this soon and I felt like I’d not said enough.

Last year’s one also sucked because it led to my money being reduced, which fucked me up. The previous one though, years before, let to my money being increased (and getting back pay for it as well). So hopefully... it’ll go that way. (And if I get back pay, well, that’s money for November.)

Until then... ugh. I hate the damn thing.

Other than that, I’ve not done much. I did a kink meme fill, which ended up being longer than I expected and was done pretty quickly. I hope to finish my Ray fic for seasonofkink if that call hasn’t thrown me off.

I saw some awesome art this morning and it makes me wanna do Bert/Jeph. Why is there not more the Used fic?

I’ve meant to read Queen’s Shadow some more but I’ve not managed it, or the other comics I got (or the other free comic book day ones). I did read one of my Vader graphic novels this morning though. It was pretty good, with a war on a unique planet (think Mustfar only with aristocracy).

I’ve been doing Gucamelee 2 the past week and it’s pretty much just frustrating now instead of fun. I’m losing my patience with it but at least I’m near the end (why am I going after the chicken key?). I hope to finish it then switch to Call Of Cthulhu (and fallout 76 since there’s xp)

I did watch antiviralthe other day too. It was pretty good with some interesting and creepy concepts, though it’s not something to watch while eating. I had to stop eating my Doritos when I had it on. (Speaking of I need more damnit)

I just found out about the

sunshine_challenge so I’m gonna post it here since snowflake was so fun

Now I’m gonna snuggle up and... we’ll see,

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Tv

So it seems to be time for another post that is mostly feels but also rambling.

First off rambling.

I’ve not posted much fic lately but that doesn’t mean I’m not writing! I’ve been working on stuff for the Kliego ship week which is in two weeks. I’ve never been a part of a ship week before so I hope this does well. I have ideas for all 7 days, with two fics started and one finished. One of the fics I’m working on is around 8K already and is longer than any fic I’ve done (and it’s not close to being finished yet). It’s also something I’m oddly proud of and invested in. I really hope people like it as much as I do because it’s (mostly) so far from what I usually do. But it’s really fun and I’m just trying to work out how how I’ll end it.

(The other wip needs some thought to, but has been sidetracked for that one which kinda took over my writing thoughts. Also, ironically, the first one completed is the one I worried most about doing)

Last week was my break from uni for Easter and I was supposed to spend the time reading. I did read some fics from my tabs of doom, but not as many as I hoped. I also failed at reading Queen’s Shadow. I had been super looking forward to it, but the writing bug meant I couldn’t focus. Hopefully I’ll read a chapter or so soon. A couple of the fics I’ve been reading lately have been winding down, but they’ve been so awesome. Things like Morgue have been such amazing reads.

I meant to do some gaming recently too but, like reading, that got sidetracked. I took advantage of the £1 game pass offer on Xbox so I hope to go on some of the games on there, especially Observer and Vampyr (as well as going on Prey without disc switching).

At least I watched some stuff. I watched Mamma Mia (my feel good film) plus Alien (For Alien day... although honestly I didn’t focus much on it). I did watch a film on Shudder at last yesterday but that wasn’t too special. The climax to it felt a bit rushed.

Yesterday I got gifted an amazing Klaus/Ray fic which is ngh. I can’t wait to read more. I might watch Queen Of The Damned soon because of it.

Lately though I’ve felt bursts of emo. It’s the same feeling I felt last week. It fades in and fades out over and over. I think it might be because of memories of last year. We had mum’s cancer scare and it was around this time when we got the all clear... and when I got a hurtful message from my ‘friend’ that abandoned me. I hate so much that my depression still feels the need to get hyperfocussed back on last year. I hate it. I hate how much it scarred me, how people I thought I could count on fucked me over and how my mind tries to remind me of that.

Ugh.

Anyway it’s mum’s birthday today but it feels... I dunno, like any other day. We’re not doing anything special. I’m just gonna make cake. I treated her to Endgame last week and we’re going somewhere to eat Saturday so...

Speaking of Saturday it’s free comic book day and Star Wars day. That means Resistance is being finished off on Disney Xd but I likely won’t see it all because I need to get to Birmingham. Ug. I hope to get some nice free comics and discounted Lego from the entertainer. And maybe Forbidden Planet phill have offers. Thankfully my money will be going in early so I can get stuff.

Other than that, this week I have my last regular uni assessment before May which is just the project write up and revision. Ugh.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Tv

So I’ve not done a non-fic post in about a week so here goes I guess.

First, I was worried I was fucked with my project for uni but! The sunflower seeds started to grow thank fuck. One seems to have stalled but the rest are growing nicely which is a relief.

Thursday we went to get mum’s pills. It resulted in me going in Sainsbury’s but it was a bit of a bust cause there was none of the Lego Star Wars sets from the sale there. Disappointing, but we got a few other things.

Friday I went to Home Bargains to pick up stuff and ended up with a pack Star Wars figures I’d not seen, yay! But I ended up overspending a bit ugh. I did watch the Discovery finale and holy fuck, it was so good. A real culmination of the series so far (though sad too because of Pike leaving and Cornwell :() I watched Doctor Strange after that too which is still pretty good.

Saturday mum’s friend came round and she is just... I mean she’s nice enough really but she’s so loud and insufferable (which makes mum loud too) and so I couldn’t focus. I tried to watch Kubo and the two strings but I lost track of it pretty quick because of it.

After she left (which felt longer than usual) we took Naryu for a quick walk and settled to watch Fantastic Beasts The Crimes Of Grindlewald since we missed it at the cinema. Holy fuck, the reviews were right. What a train wreck of a movie. It was such a mess and I was so disappointed. (Where were the crimes? And what the hell did they do to Queenie? And why was it such a mess?) I can see now why Lego only made the one set (which was of one of the few good parts). Mum said it was the worst thing we’d seen since the Blade Runner sequel and I have to agree. I had hoped people were exaggerating but... nope. How did they mess it up so much?

I did get my Easter eggs though so yay chocolate! And I had my Easter Lego set of the Praetorian guards which is small but pretty nice.

And Resistance was good too, though it means sadness is coming as our disaster Kaz is going to lose everyone. And BB-8 finally left which was good to see.

Sunday we watched better films. After catching Doctor Strange on Friday I wanted to watch Thor Ragnarok before Infinity War so it became a double bill. Ragnarok is such an awesome film, definitely the best Thor film. I’m so not ready for Endgame though. I hope my boys don’t die though... I dunno. Maybe I’ll do a follow up to my fic depending on how it goes.

Music wise I’ve been listening to a The New Regime, FOB’s Mania and, oddly, Armor For Sleep today (And Gravity). I did start the Magnus archives too, which is super creepy and I love it. There was new music too, Raiders finally put out a song as did Motionless (I only like the one song, but it reminded me how sexy Chris was and which I could write him again/get more content of him).

That leads me to today. This week is my week off uni for Easter so my general plan has been to read my fic tabs of doom, read more Queen’s Shadow, catch up on podcasts, game and write (including hopefully finishing my serial killer kliego fic).

However this morning was interrupted by my depression trying to blanket me. It’s a hard thing to describe for those that don’t get depression, mainly because it was a wave of sadness with no cause. I wish it did, especially when people asked about it and I wasn’t sure what to tell them. It was just... random sadness.

Thankfully it disipated before it could latch onto something, which would’ve been worse. I don’t need to hyper focus on the people that fucked me over, nor play at my insecurities. Still a part of me worries it’ll come back. That remains to be seen though. Maybe it’s because mum’s birthday is close and the reminder of the cold message I got from Nat last year is lingering. Who knows though?

The rest of the day has been spent not doing much. I couldn’t focus on fic, so after a sesssion which cleared my head I caught the first Captain America film on film 4 (it’s my least favourite of the cap films but seems to get a little better each rewatch).

After that I finally watched Venom, which I got from Sainsbury’s with Beasts. I’d heard good things about it and, thank fuck. People were right! I loved it so much. Go see it if you haven’t because Symbrock is just perfect. There better be a sequel, because they have such potential. (And Eddie is so pure and a disaster)

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Armor For Sleep - The End Of A Fraud

So it’s now several hours after midnight, which means it’s the 31st of March. That means it’s almost, to quote Majora’s Mask, dawn of the final day.

In the lead up to March I was so worried. As the one year anniversary of being fucked over by people I considered friends (one of which I considered as one of my best friends), I was nervous. I was certain that one of several things would happen.

First I was sure my depression/anxiety would become overwhelming. I suspected that, on the anniversaries themselves at least, I would lose myself. That I would descend into my pattern of other thinking that is common place for my depression. Thankfully, bar a blip the other week, that didn’t happen.

The second main one was I was expecting River (or someone else encouraged by Marina) to launch their attacks on me again, or aim them at my friends. Thankfully that didn’t happen either.

I approached this month fully prepared for the worst so how do I feel now it’s almost over?

I feel like I’m in a better space now then I’ve ever been. I credit two things for it.

The first is

mcfobr, for two reasons. The first being sending me the March distraction, a package full of gifts and messages, like a random advent calendar. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and kind, because it took so much effort to do. And it worked, it worked so well by giving me something to look forward to daily, though I’ll certainly miss it.

The second reason is she has been such a good friend to me, the kind that I wish I’d had for years. She has been so sweet and so very present during this time.

Second is the Kliego discord and TUA fandom in general for providing me with inspiration, distraction and the motivation to keep writing again. I’m so grateful for that, more than words can say.

I’m gonna try and sleep now, but it felt like those things needed to be said.

I might make a post later, rambling about Discovery or my Fortitude rewatch but I sense I’ll just end up watching season 2 to enjoy Robert Sheehan naked and bloody.

(This is gonna be locked and tagged as depression thoughts but it’s not really)

I am in a good place now, about myself and about my writing, so this is just like. A vent thing, a fleeting thing but a thing that needs to be said all the same

( Read more... )

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Tv