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May. 7th, 2023 10:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shadowhiveI’ve went back and forth on making a post on the general vibes of the past days, before settling on making one now (along with thoughts on something else). There’ll be another post on more positive things sometime tomorrow.
So first depression related vibes
So as I mentioned in a previous locked post this past few days I ended up feeling tired and drained, but not only that my mind was becoming a mass of vague depression. Worse it was accompanied by random intrusive thoughts. That’s not a good sign, but it’s also… I’m not sure what to do with them? I tend to just try and ignore them or push them away but it’s hard.
At least when they happen is random and often brief… the downside is that they are random. (Including happening yesterday) thankfully they’ve not happened today so maybe the worst of it is over.
As is often with depression energy it leads me to my default setting which is to clam up and become distant (not helped by being tired as well). I kinda wish that wasn’t my response but at the same time I never want to burden people with my thoughts and feelings (at least directly) so I just clam up and deal with it alone. Which yeah, isn’t great (especially with how my mindset seems to go unattended). But I’m not sure what exactly I can do.
(I’m also so annoyed at myself, because I’d hoped to do so much before Zelda especially finishing fic, which I tried to write some the other day in a clear spot between the lowness and I just didn’t feel too happy with it. Maybe it’s just me and looking again will mean it’s fine or just needs minor tweaking)
Maybe when I’ve changed to the new doctor I can get some better help or get switched to another kind of meds to see if that works better than the ones I had. But we’ll see when the paperwork is handed in a few days.
I will say after all that I’ve largely felt evened out today, with the only bad thoughts being related to… well.
Also in a recent post I mentioned I had a new follower on twitter and I was suspicious of them. However because I was in a bad mental space I was neither willing to trust and act on those instincts (by blocking or soft blocking them) nor disregarding them and engaging them in good faith (by taking them to be a potential friend/follower).
After that post I did find out that I have followed them on tumblr, which is a mark in their favour.
However today when I looked to see if they were still following I saw that they still were but that both their username changed and they’d gone private, which is strange. So I decided to search their regular username to see if there was a hint as to what was happening.
Turns out they were in a situation I was a few years ago, as well as what Alice went though a few months ago and, while I was instantly empathetic with them I was also triggered by the whole thing.
Turns out they were part of a Fall Out Boy discord (dunno if it’s a fan one or official one) and have ended up getting a bunch of harassment over the recent weeks by people who found they write (and write Waycest). And just… whats happened to fandom that such behaviour is acceptable? It’s honestly baffling to me and also horrific and I hate it.
(At the same time the Waycest tag on tumblr seems so much better than it is on twitter and it makes me miss it so much, but I refuse to engage with it because I know that some of the people that harassed me are still around on there [and is it wrong that I still miss the ones that used to be my friends, even though they’ve proven themselves to be absolutely awful people])
It just pisses me off and gave me flashbacks and just… ugh hate people so much.
I do kinda wanna give them support but at the same time I don’t want to either get dragged into it or have the hate on me directly to come back.
Why can’t people just leave others alone to enjoy or write what they want? Why can’t people just…. Not be assholes? I just don’t get it. It just makes me so sad.
I hope they’re ok and they end up weathering this nonsense and have a better support network than I did who will stick with them.
(I also know I had more thoughts but it’s felt like they’ve kind of slipped away now that I opened this to write them. Is that good or bad? I dunno)
I’ve tried my best to distract myself from it as best I can which has worked to an extent (there’s been about four things today that’s helped distract) but I still felt the need to make this post and get the thoughts out in the hopes they don’t infest my brain.
So first depression related vibes
So as I mentioned in a previous locked post this past few days I ended up feeling tired and drained, but not only that my mind was becoming a mass of vague depression. Worse it was accompanied by random intrusive thoughts. That’s not a good sign, but it’s also… I’m not sure what to do with them? I tend to just try and ignore them or push them away but it’s hard.
At least when they happen is random and often brief… the downside is that they are random. (Including happening yesterday) thankfully they’ve not happened today so maybe the worst of it is over.
As is often with depression energy it leads me to my default setting which is to clam up and become distant (not helped by being tired as well). I kinda wish that wasn’t my response but at the same time I never want to burden people with my thoughts and feelings (at least directly) so I just clam up and deal with it alone. Which yeah, isn’t great (especially with how my mindset seems to go unattended). But I’m not sure what exactly I can do.
(I’m also so annoyed at myself, because I’d hoped to do so much before Zelda especially finishing fic, which I tried to write some the other day in a clear spot between the lowness and I just didn’t feel too happy with it. Maybe it’s just me and looking again will mean it’s fine or just needs minor tweaking)
Maybe when I’ve changed to the new doctor I can get some better help or get switched to another kind of meds to see if that works better than the ones I had. But we’ll see when the paperwork is handed in a few days.
I will say after all that I’ve largely felt evened out today, with the only bad thoughts being related to… well.
Also in a recent post I mentioned I had a new follower on twitter and I was suspicious of them. However because I was in a bad mental space I was neither willing to trust and act on those instincts (by blocking or soft blocking them) nor disregarding them and engaging them in good faith (by taking them to be a potential friend/follower).
After that post I did find out that I have followed them on tumblr, which is a mark in their favour.
However today when I looked to see if they were still following I saw that they still were but that both their username changed and they’d gone private, which is strange. So I decided to search their regular username to see if there was a hint as to what was happening.
Turns out they were in a situation I was a few years ago, as well as what Alice went though a few months ago and, while I was instantly empathetic with them I was also triggered by the whole thing.
Turns out they were part of a Fall Out Boy discord (dunno if it’s a fan one or official one) and have ended up getting a bunch of harassment over the recent weeks by people who found they write (and write Waycest). And just… whats happened to fandom that such behaviour is acceptable? It’s honestly baffling to me and also horrific and I hate it.
(At the same time the Waycest tag on tumblr seems so much better than it is on twitter and it makes me miss it so much, but I refuse to engage with it because I know that some of the people that harassed me are still around on there [and is it wrong that I still miss the ones that used to be my friends, even though they’ve proven themselves to be absolutely awful people])
It just pisses me off and gave me flashbacks and just… ugh hate people so much.
I do kinda wanna give them support but at the same time I don’t want to either get dragged into it or have the hate on me directly to come back.
Why can’t people just leave others alone to enjoy or write what they want? Why can’t people just…. Not be assholes? I just don’t get it. It just makes me so sad.
I hope they’re ok and they end up weathering this nonsense and have a better support network than I did who will stick with them.
(I also know I had more thoughts but it’s felt like they’ve kind of slipped away now that I opened this to write them. Is that good or bad? I dunno)
I’ve tried my best to distract myself from it as best I can which has worked to an extent (there’s been about four things today that’s helped distract) but I still felt the need to make this post and get the thoughts out in the hopes they don’t infest my brain.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-08 08:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-08 08:33 am (UTC)I just hope they’ll be ok. I hate that someone else is going through what I did and hope they have the support I didn’t (it still messes me up how I was abandoned by so many people I called friends instead of having them stick around)
Thanks, I hope so too. I was starting to feel a little better and then I saw all that and just… bleh (and I’m sure there’s far worse from people that had blocked me/I’d blocked that I didn’t see)
no subject
Date: 2023-05-08 11:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 10:24 am (UTC)The issue is usually a mix of not wanting to be a bother/burden, getting these thoughts at odd times or not being actually able to put them into words when they do happen (and also not wanting to dwell on them and hoping they go away) and it’s all just so bleh
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 02:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-10 07:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-08 05:36 pm (UTC)However it still seems strange to me that they just followed you and changed their username and went private. I'd be wary of people following them and seeing that they're friends with you and maybe jumping on shit that isn't true.
Be careful, Pedrosaur... I don't want to lose you 😢
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 10:26 am (UTC)Yeah it’s very strange, I’ve not followed them back just yet because I still think it’s so odd? And they didn’t even like any of my tweets or reply to anything or anything when they added me sos it’s still very strange
Aww you’re so sweet, you’re not gonna I’m still around being faily and flop
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 10:04 am (UTC)I don't think that it's wrong. Those people were big parts of your life, that they turned out to be arseholes won't make the happy memories go away completely.
I think keeping a distance from that follower is the thing to do. It does suck they're going through such a horrible situation. But even reading about it has affected you, you really don't want to be sucked into their drama.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 10:29 am (UTC)Yeah I’m just not gonna get involved and stay away from it. I hope things blow over for them and they’ll be ok
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 10:42 am (UTC)And the fact that you hope that shows what a kind person you are. But you need to be kind to yourself too, and I'm glad you've decided that not getting involved is the right thing to do.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-10 07:26 am (UTC)At least from what I can tell from their tumblr the other day they seem to be doing ok which is good but that’s the extent of my involvement (well that and being sure to block asshole people I see)
no subject
Date: 2023-05-09 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-05-10 07:24 am (UTC)