Cloud riders
May. 26th, 2018 12:45 pmWhen I first moved over to here from lj, this was gonna be just a writing journal, where I'd post fic and nothing else.
Over time, though, it's devolved into a personal one too. Especially over the past two months. My will to write has now pretty much gone, will it return, I don't know anymore. Part of me thinks that if![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
carrythefire comes back it will return. Another part sees the trickles of kudos from ao3 and wonders if I should do something for them.
Honestly, though, I dunno if I will. I have had periods like this before, but this feels different somehow, more final potentially. I think the stuff in March wounded me to writing and it's just been bleeding out until now.
Maybe I should take up a different creative thing? I have a few of those art therapy books, maybe I should do them. Or try poetry again. I used to do poems when I was younger but I've not done anything like that in what? Years? Over a decade probably.
My mood lingers back to Nat, how I miss her and wish things were different between us. It seems to be what my mind swings back to whenever it's unattended. I hate it. I hate that our friendship has died, that I couldn't even fight to save it. A part of me keeps expecting to hear from her and then I wonder what I'd say. Would I welcome her back with open arms? Would I be cautious? Would I resent her? I certainly feel I'd not trust her and it would take a lot to recover our friendship. As time has gone on that feeling has grown. At the same time, though, I feel like I want things to just go back to how they were.
Deep down, though, I know the truth. They're never coming back. Why can't I except it then? I dunno, but it hurts and I just can't shake it, no matter what I do.
Meh.
I'm hoping my sleep patterns go back to normal so that I can go back to nightly gaming. Maybe getting lost in a few games will help take my mind off such things. I might go back on Earthlock tonight, which was one of the games I won, or do some of the Battlefront missions. I have so many games on the xbox I need to do, that I've got from sales/comps that I need to do
Tomorrow is meant to be a streetpass meet. But it's on a Sunday so getting there means going by bus replacement partly, ugh, plus there's meant to be a storm. But on the other hand... The cute boy that goes is meant to be going. I wish I had a working gaydar to tell if he was gay or bi and I'm too shy to ask.
I need to get back to reading too, but I've been waiting till after Solo to start another book.
Speaking of means of escape, I'm hoping that I can get a Shudder account set up soon. Maybe I'll do posts based on what I watch? Would you be interestedi_amthecosmos if I did?
I still need to see Deadpool 2 but I somehow doubt I'll get to see it at the cinema in Cannock. I guess we'll see.
I may head up soon to see if the Solo sticker book is around. I hope it is, sticking in stickers is oddly theraputic (as is lego building).
I think I'm almost done with this bit of uni so there'll be an assessment again for it soon. It's half term though so I'll be on it after it.
As part of the DSA thing I have some therapy sessions I can use. I may set one up after half term when the mornings are free again, until summer anyway. It's meant to be done over Skype which will suit me just fine.
My friend's suggested I get a notepad to write down thoughts, and that it helps her. Maybe I should try it, I dunno though. I keep losing pens for one and I'm sure I'd lose the notepad. If it works for her though, it must be worth a try right? I just need to get a notepad for it and a pen with a clip to keep them together.
Know something I miss too? I miss gigs. So many bands have split I've not been to one. The Used is rescheduled for August and I'd love to go and see Ilaria from twitter but I'd need a place to stay. I'd hoped Nat had gig wisdom but without her I dunno who to ask. There's still two months + until it happens so I dunno, but I do miss gigs. I used to go to one a month roughly but my last one was Jan.
Ugh.
I dunno what else to say though I'm sure I had something in mind. I'm gonna make this public awhile to share with a few people. I dunno if this'll be a regular thing though (I'd probably rather keep personal posts locked but I dunno)
Over time, though, it's devolved into a personal one too. Especially over the past two months. My will to write has now pretty much gone, will it return, I don't know anymore. Part of me thinks that if
carrythefire comes back it will return. Another part sees the trickles of kudos from ao3 and wonders if I should do something for them.Honestly, though, I dunno if I will. I have had periods like this before, but this feels different somehow, more final potentially. I think the stuff in March wounded me to writing and it's just been bleeding out until now.
Maybe I should take up a different creative thing? I have a few of those art therapy books, maybe I should do them. Or try poetry again. I used to do poems when I was younger but I've not done anything like that in what? Years? Over a decade probably.
My mood lingers back to Nat, how I miss her and wish things were different between us. It seems to be what my mind swings back to whenever it's unattended. I hate it. I hate that our friendship has died, that I couldn't even fight to save it. A part of me keeps expecting to hear from her and then I wonder what I'd say. Would I welcome her back with open arms? Would I be cautious? Would I resent her? I certainly feel I'd not trust her and it would take a lot to recover our friendship. As time has gone on that feeling has grown. At the same time, though, I feel like I want things to just go back to how they were.
Deep down, though, I know the truth. They're never coming back. Why can't I except it then? I dunno, but it hurts and I just can't shake it, no matter what I do.
Meh.
I'm hoping my sleep patterns go back to normal so that I can go back to nightly gaming. Maybe getting lost in a few games will help take my mind off such things. I might go back on Earthlock tonight, which was one of the games I won, or do some of the Battlefront missions. I have so many games on the xbox I need to do, that I've got from sales/comps that I need to do
Tomorrow is meant to be a streetpass meet. But it's on a Sunday so getting there means going by bus replacement partly, ugh, plus there's meant to be a storm. But on the other hand... The cute boy that goes is meant to be going. I wish I had a working gaydar to tell if he was gay or bi and I'm too shy to ask.
I need to get back to reading too, but I've been waiting till after Solo to start another book.
Speaking of means of escape, I'm hoping that I can get a Shudder account set up soon. Maybe I'll do posts based on what I watch? Would you be interested
i_amthecosmos if I did?I still need to see Deadpool 2 but I somehow doubt I'll get to see it at the cinema in Cannock. I guess we'll see.
I may head up soon to see if the Solo sticker book is around. I hope it is, sticking in stickers is oddly theraputic (as is lego building).
I think I'm almost done with this bit of uni so there'll be an assessment again for it soon. It's half term though so I'll be on it after it.
As part of the DSA thing I have some therapy sessions I can use. I may set one up after half term when the mornings are free again, until summer anyway. It's meant to be done over Skype which will suit me just fine.
My friend's suggested I get a notepad to write down thoughts, and that it helps her. Maybe I should try it, I dunno though. I keep losing pens for one and I'm sure I'd lose the notepad. If it works for her though, it must be worth a try right? I just need to get a notepad for it and a pen with a clip to keep them together.
Know something I miss too? I miss gigs. So many bands have split I've not been to one. The Used is rescheduled for August and I'd love to go and see Ilaria from twitter but I'd need a place to stay. I'd hoped Nat had gig wisdom but without her I dunno who to ask. There's still two months + until it happens so I dunno, but I do miss gigs. I used to go to one a month roughly but my last one was Jan.
Ugh.
I dunno what else to say though I'm sure I had something in mind. I'm gonna make this public awhile to share with a few people. I dunno if this'll be a regular thing though (I'd probably rather keep personal posts locked but I dunno)
