(no subject)

Even without the stress of last week (at least the money is sorted like he promised) and the tiredness from Saturday, I’ve just not felt right this past month. Depression has been so strong and lingering and just…

It’s meant that the halloween spirit hasn’t been there, to the point where I’d thought about deferring it to next week. But last night I had felt a little better and a bit more… halloweeeny.

Of course that went this morning.

I’d done a little uni reading, then booted up the laptop to do icon ing and ripping cds. I was about to head down when I heard mum yell out. I called back, in case I’d heard things or it was just at one of the pets but I heard nothing back. So I headed done to see what had happened and…

Padme was gone.

Mum had gone and got her some dandelions from the garden and when she put them in her cage she was just… laying there. She was cold and stiff, so it’s likely she went in the night, if not earlier.

And I just feel so…. Numb.

I feel so terrible.I’d meant to have her out more, to give her more love, but I never did. I only really gave her cuddles when she was cleaned out and give her occasional pets when I went past her cage. Why didn’t I love her more? I wish I had.

And then when had she gone? I suspect it was earlier than last night. Had she been there all day and we’d just… not noticed? There was fresh food mum put in sometime yesterday, including and carrot and it was just not touched. Had she been just… laying there all that time? Was she gone the night before? When we were out? It’s not as if she was hidden away in her house, she was right there, laying over her food bowl.

Had we just thought she was eating whenever we saw her like that?

I just feel so terrible. I wish she was still here, I wish she wasn’t gone, I wish I could give her the love she needed.

My heart hurts, my head hurts.

I just…

I’m gonna finish noms and just… hide away